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Matthew_Eastwood
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A Mini Epiphany

A lot can happen in a short space of time.

Im young, 23 and fresh out of university. I obtained my 1st Dan in Shotokan karate about a year and a half ago, and now the sensei in my university club has just left the rest of us in a lurtch, and I am one of the few who can stand up and attempt to teach my club. But that is irrelevant, just background.

No, instead I wanted to share a small portion of my story, and how it has developed my thinking recently with regards to my martial arts and in a wider context, to myself. I developed serious depression, to the point at which i felt the wolrd would be a better place without me, my long term girlfriend of ~5 years was cheating on me again, and had just left me to be with the other man. She was emotionally and sexually abusive, and I eventually broke. Everything that I was became leeched away and I was left a husk, a human shell with nothing remaining within. It's fair to say this was the lowest point of my life (and for anyone going through something similar, it does eventually get better- trust me), I lost the ability to feel any emotion and became akin to a Vulcan from Star Trek. Everything was reduced to a set of logical decisions, whatever was most logical to do and/or say, was. To cut this story short, things got better with time; I wanted to share my thoughts in a positive environment, however understanding of the reasons behind my little epiphany are important too. Whilst I enjoy reading and thinking on the philosophy behind oriental martial arts, it wasnt that that really helped me begin to recover- rather it was the practise of them that saved me.

With that in mind- here is my epiphany, which I shall attempt to describe before that almost "sleeping mind" state/ meditative mind slips and is replaced by my more rational waking/everyday mind.

I might have to start teaching soon, and I was thinking on ways to describe karate, rather than just a lot of people in lines punching and kicking the air. I found myself likening it to a journey on a path or road- as so many have done before me; one where you can see the immediate surroundings, but have no particular destination in mind. More specifically, a journey in Wales, where it is incredibly mountainous. The metaphor being you are driving along, you can see the road directly in front of you, you can see to the top of the mountain on the path you are on, but you cannot see over the summit. The mountain representing a goal on the path- something to aspire and reach towards, to overcome. But once you have, you cannot know where it leads until you have ascended.

The epiphany came when I realised that wasn't a metaphor solely for Karate- nor any martial art in fact. It holds true for life itself. And whilst I had read variations on this many times over, until I came to the conclusion myself, I didnt really understand or appreciate this.

I guess thank you to anyone who read this through and considered what I have just written, and I sincerely hope that it makes sense for someone out there. Depression taught me true introspection, without confliction with ego or false humility. So i'll end this post with one final piece of wisdom I recently stumbled across, an old Confuscian addage that i have come to like,

"It doesnt not matter how slowly you walk along the Path, so long as you never stop".

Thank you for reading.

Spaniard
Spaniard's picture

Matthew-

Glad you decided to stay with us, otherwise the words you wrote or a life that you touch while teaching would not be bettered by your contribution. As I understand, depression will continue to be a struggle, as life in general, so keep those words close for yourself if it gets tough again and reach out if needed.

Best regards-

Erik P.

Iain Abernethy
Iain Abernethy's picture

That’s a great post! Thanks so much for sharing that. Depression is one of those things you have to experience to understand. We tend to use the term in everyday speech to mean “a bit glum” or “unhappy”, but those who have truly had depression know it goes much deeper than that. You’ve done a good job of articulating it.

When I was at my lowest everything was a huge effort. One of my teachers had been through it and he told me, “Your training will be your salvation.” He was totally right.

Matthew_Eastwood wrote:
Whilst I enjoy reading and thinking on the philosophy behind oriental martial arts, it wasnt that that really helped me begin to recover- rather it was the practise of them that saved me

I get that. It’s the discipline of doing the unpleasant but beneficial that leads to progress in the martial arts. It’s also what helps break the cycle of depression. You can reach a point where getting out of bed, eating, etc all take herculean effort. We can take the “easy in the short term / hard in the long term route” and follow depression's commands; which invariably helps the depression’s hold get stronger. Or we can take the “HARD in the short term; easy in the long term route” and force ourselves to do what needs to be done. It’s HARD, and I think only those have been depressed can understand how hard it is, and it is only they who can fully empathise with those who feel unable to fight it.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – which I have had – works that way and I found it to be hugely effective when I found myself making my way through my “darkest hour”. It got me back to being me and I responded to it well; partially because I recognised the process as being a “martial” one.

This quote from Funakoshi is a favourite and really resonates with me:

Depression is not weakness, but what happens to people when they have to bear great difficulties for extended periods. We go beyond human endurance and get “emotional fatigue”. Beating all of that is truly heroic, and, for me, battling with depression (and the causes of it) is one of the things that really marks a person out as a “tough SOB”.

Matthew_Eastwood wrote:
The mountain representing a goal on the path- something to aspire and reach towards, to overcome. But once you have, you cannot know where it leads until you have ascended.

I agree. In Karate-Do Kyohan, Funakoshi quotes Mencius: "When Heaven is about to confer an important office upon a man, it first embitters his heart in its purpose; it causes him to exert his bones and sinews; it makes his body suffer hunger; it inflicts upon him want and poverty and confounds his undertakings. In this way it stimulates his will, steels his nature and thus makes him capable of accomplishing what he would otherwise be incapable of accomplishing."

We can’t see where the roads leads, but overcoming difficult things makes us more able to overcome other difficult things. Whether we see this as Heaven’s intervention or Nietzschen “that which does not destroy us, serves to make us stronger” is matter of individual worldview. Regardless, one thing we can all agree on is that if we can overcome the extremely difficult, we gain things which make us more able to shape our world.

"Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant." – Horace

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!” – Rocky Balboa

All very true, and all very martial. Budo to the core.

Great post Matthew! Thanks for sharing!

All the best,

Iain

Ian H
Ian H's picture

Thank you for sharing, Matthew, and all the best in dealing with the challenges to come!

I can't say I understand what you have gone through ... you face a challenge that I know exists, that I have seen affect friends in all sorts of ways, but that I have never experienced so cannot really understand.  I cannot empathise, but I can sympathise.  

Matthew_Eastwood wrote:

I might have to start teaching soon, and I was thinking on ways to describe karate, rather than just a lot of people in lines punching and kicking the air. I found myself likening it to a journey on a path or road- as so many have done before me; one where you can see the immediate surroundings, but have no particular destination in mind. More specifically, a journey in Wales, where it is incredibly mountainous. The metaphor being you are driving along, you can see the road directly in front of you, you can see to the top of the mountain on the path you are on, but you cannot see over the summit. The mountain representing a goal on the path- something to aspire and reach towards, to overcome. But once you have, you cannot know where it leads until you have ascended.

The epiphany came when I realised that wasn't a metaphor solely for Karate- nor any martial art in fact. It holds true for life itself.

... So i'll end this post with one final piece of wisdom I recently stumbled across, an old Confuscian addage that i have come to like,

"It doesnt not matter how slowly you walk along the Path, so long as you never stop".

I like it.  

I live in a place with all sorts of different geographies within a day's drive.  Sometimes you can see a quarter-mile down the road and no more; sometimes you can see a few miles, and sometimes the vista opens up and you can see your route for miles and miles.  Sometimes the hills and trees close in around you and you have no broader reference points for where you are going; sometimes you glimpse a hill in the distance briefly, and sometimes you clearly see a mountain range in the far distance and know you are heading in the right direction.  You have the 'task at hand' of staying on the road and making it to the spot as far as you can see down the road, and when you get there you will see more road and know what the next task at hand is.  You have a broader 'goal' of reaching a particular destination by the end of the day ... a town you have heard of.  People can help you with your goal ... they give you a map to give you a rough idea of the direction of the trip ... they can tell you which road to take and which direction ... but they cannot drive the car for you.  You need to know your goal, but focus on the task at hand: I may want to drive to Vancouver, and I need to remember that when I come to an intersection and choose the right path, but I need to focus on the task at hand (keeping my car on the road and out of oncoming traffic) for the next little bit of road that I can see before me.

Sorry, that rambled a bit .... longer than I thought it woudl be ... but there you go.  

I like that old addage too.  It reminds me of the old story about sharks ... how they have to keep moving forward through the water, or else they suffocate and die.  (I hope the marine biologists among us don't come along and burst my bubble ... it's a nice image, I think, for live and the need to keep 'moving forward' in order to be truly alive.)

Good luck with the karate club!!!

Matthew_Eastwood
Matthew_Eastwood's picture

Ian H wrote:

Sometimes you can see a quarter-mile down the road and no more; sometimes you can see a few miles, and sometimes the vista opens up and you can see your route for miles and miles.  Sometimes the hills and trees close in around you and you have no broader reference points for where you are going; sometimes you glimpse a hill in the distance briefly, and sometimes you clearly see a mountain range in the far distance and know you are heading in the right direction.  You have the 'task at hand' of staying on the road and making it to the spot as far as you can see down the road, and when you get there you will see more road and know what the next task at hand is.  You have a broader 'goal' of reaching a particular destination by the end of the day ... a town you have heard of.  People can help you with your goal ... they give you a map to give you a rough idea of the direction of the trip ... they can tell you which road to take and which direction ... but they cannot drive the car for you.  You need to know your goal, but focus on the task at hand: I may want to drive to Vancouver, and I need to remember that when I come to an intersection and choose the right path, but I need to focus on the task at hand (keeping my car on the road and out of oncoming traffic) for the next little bit of road that I can see before me.

Ian H, you hit the nail on the hear with the metaphor there. Thank you for expanding it, and capturing the details i missed!

Ian H
Ian H's picture

Matthew_Eastwood wrote:
Ian H, you hit the nail on the hear with the metaphor there. Thank you for expanding it, and capturing the details i missed!

Thanks, Matthew, glad to help.